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Thereās something precious about those small moments. The ones where youāre laughing so hard your eyes canāt stay open, when you can barely stay awake but you donāt want to say goodnight yet, when youāre with the people that fill you with the kind of joy so big it feels immovable. Those moments are made of magic not because youāre doing something once in a lifetime (well sometimes because of that), but more often than not, they are made so because of the company you share. Iāve always felt whole when around the ones I love most. I remember showing my best friend Juno for the first time, I watched her more than the screen because I wanted to see her face when Rainn Wilson says, āthis is one doodle that canāt be undidā. In so many ways, I feel like I belong to my people. I remember what it feels like to stand next to my mom and other Muslim women in the mosque on Hari Raya. The Imam would say, ābrothers and sisters, close all the gaps between us, stand foot to foot, shoulder to shoulder.ā Weād pack in and in our movement, I felt at one. It was so early that getting up and sitting down ached and if I were alone I never thought Iād be able to do it. But as a kid, there were these pillars next to me, the two women I was sandwiched between, and the rows and rows of women all around. They lifted me up each time. I remember my first Ramadan away from Malaysia. I prayed the morning prayers by myself. And you know what? I still felt the older women lifting me. To belong with someone or something has a whole list of associated conditions ā in order to be at that mosque, I would likely be Muslim, Iād likely live closeby, and I was someone who wanted to pray. But whatās infinitesimally more interesting, is that even when you donāt meet those conditions, if you truly belong? It doesnāt matter. Sure maybe you donāt wanna show up to the mosque blasting Miley Cyrus and dancing like nobodyās watching. Though one time my phone did ring during prayers, and my ringtone was Party in the U.S.Aā¦ But trust me, everyone was watching, and no one was dancing. We talk a lot about unconditional love but we never really talk about unconditional belonging. Can you really belong somewhere or to someone no matter what? I think that sometimes by virtue of time, we stop belonging. We stop belonging to school. I stopped belonging to basketball teams because I have weak anklesā¦ Sometimes things stand in the way of us belonging and those things could be about you or not about you at all. Things like what we look like or how much we make may keep us out of places, may make us feel like we donāt belong. Then thereās belonging with people ā sometimes our friends or partners change and then we no longer belong with them. For me, I think I ābelong toā my family, my friends, to the LGBTQA+ community, to fellow-writers and other people who stick up for those who donāt get as much stage time. Belonging to others can mean you choose to or simply that you just belong there. Itās funny, sometimes I feel like I belong with my friends and I choose them and they choose me. They could have not liked the fact that I only like the red M&Ms or that I am an incessant worrier. But when Iām with these people who really have become family to me, I know that I belong with and to them. But you know, with things like the Muslim community, the LGBTQA+ community, the academic community, those are things that Iām a part of because of who I am; undeniably. But sometimes, it feels like I donāt belong there. We might not exactly know what it feels like to belong, but we definitely know what it feels like to not. We all want to belong and itās scary sometimes to think that maybe that feeling of belonging, of home, might get taken away. Thatās why we work super hard to make our communities proud, to do the right thing, even if sometimes we lose our way. Belonging to others is responsibility! And at the same time, occasionally out of our control. I suppose we are meant to find comfort in the fact that feelings of belonging, and the people we belong to may change, but that doesnāt mean it all goes away all at once forever and ever. Iām sad sometimes about not being a (basket)baller āanymoreā and Iām also happy that Iāve been blessed with 24 years of full life and all that comes with it. I belong here on Earth with all my loved ones cuz I am here! I am proud to belong to others and it does not make me less me. In fact, I think it makes me who I am.
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